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Thursday, June 4, 2015

Two Weeks

It's been two weeks since Z was born. I am finally starting to feel better physically from the traumatic events that occurred after the birth. I am dying to get back to the gym but I know I am not quite there yet. I am two pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, into most of my old clothes, though my hips still have some shrinking to do and feeling pretty well.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. I'm sure my hormones are contributing to it as well as all the stuff I went though. Sometimes when I think about it I feel like I am being overly dramatic and I should just suck it up and move on.

I am so incredibly thankful that I have my life and my family. I feel euphoric when I look at my kids and am thankful that I am their mother and they are mine. They're going up too fast, life is moving too fast for me now. I just need it to slow down.

I'm so thankful for my husband. I have no idea how to express my gratitude to him. I'm not an overly sentimental person and neither is he. I've tried to tell him just how much I appreciate and love him. He tells me that he's doing his job as a husband and that I am the glue that holds this family together. I disagree, this glue would be useless without him. I have a damn good husband, which I've always know, it just takes reminders sometimes.

Sometimes I feel panicky for no reason. The feelings of I'm going to die come back and I just freak out all over again.

Though this pregnancy was somewhat difficult, not my favorite by far, I'm sad too about never carrying for anyone again, it makes me feel old that the baby-making chapter in my life is closed.

I am working on thinking positive, moving forward, enjoying life. I know that I have so much.

Friday, May 22, 2015

The Birth of Baby Z

So the story starts very a lot of similarity to the birth of Baby M. I woke around 2:45 in the morning to my water breaking, at first it was just a small trickle and then a larger one and then a gush. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and made some coffee and had a bowl of cereal. I began walking and bouncing on the ball trying to get contractions going. Nothing. My son woke up around 5 and so I told him it was baby day and he want and woke up his sister who was pretty upset that I was leaving but also equally happy that this journey was about to end. I called my midwife who said to go ahead an come in so we can check on the baby and make sure she was doing well.

On the way to the hospital I called J&J and told them what had happened. They told me that they knew it was happening today and that they dreamed of me being in labor all night. Oh, did I mention it was my birthday, Wednesday May 20th? 

I arrived at the hospital at about 6:00 am and got checked in, admitted and ready to go. Since nothing was really happening J&J took their time to get going and got their son to daycare before making the 2 1/2 hour drive my way. In the meantime I was working on trying to start contractions. We, as in my husband and midwife and I had decided to try as much as we could first to get contractions going on their own, but if by noon time they hadn't started I would accept pitocin. I didn't want to do it, but I also didn't want it to go like last time, where I was up for 24 hours before starting pitocin. 

I walked the halls, bounced on the balls, squatted, pumped 4 times. Nothing. So at noon time we started the pitocin. It was a very slow process. At the beginning they were only bumping it up 1ml every half hour and I could see contractions on the monitor, but I couldn't feel them. It wasn't until about 7 or 8pm that contractions really began full force and I was only about 6cm. Things were not progressing and baby was not coming down so my midwife and nurse tried the rebozo method to get the baby to shift. I feel like at that point I immediately went into transition. I began shaking and felt the need to throw up. 

What happened next I don't know, I lost all of my confidence in myself and my ability to birth this baby. I felt fear and dread. I dreaded pushing her out, knowing last time I had the pitocin made the pushing phase so much more painful for me. I decided I wasn't pushing her out. I was going to breath and just labor down like I did with my son. But I couldn't, that didn't work either I couldn't handle the contractions anymore, I was tired and I wanted to give up. I begged them for an epidural, here I was at 10cm's refusing to push this baby out. My midwife said I could have whatever I wanted but she didn't think it would help. I begged them to just section me. No, luckily they know how to deal with this situation. I bawled hysterically, they let me have my moment and got me calmed down. They said just do it, just forget about being calm, just get mad and push this baby out. So I did, 9 minutes later she was out, born at 12:09am, she had her own birthday on May 21st.

My husband was fantastic I can't say enough about him, neither can the nurses and midwives. They said he would make a great doula. He is able to keep calm and carry on in crisis situations, which happened next.

I was pushing the placenta out and it just wouldn't come. My midwife said it was right there in the vagina so she gave a little tug and then I started to bleed everywhere. I asked if I should be worried and she said no. I began to bleed more heavily and I heard her call for the doctor. While we were waiting for him to come I began to bleed even more and my midwife shoved her hands into my vagina trying to get the placenta out. She shoved some pills up my rectum to try to stop the bleeding (not sure how or what that was about) and there was complete chaos in my room. I couldn't see, I was fading in and out tying not to pass out. I was begging them not to let me die. My husband was telling me to look at him and not close my eyes. I couldn't breath, they strapped an oxygen mask to my face as I was gasping for air. 

At some point the doctor arrived, he sat down and looked into my vagina and I remember hearing him say page group OR stat and they rolled me off to the OR, gave me some drugs and put me back together again. 

So what happened was an uterine inversion and post partum hemorrhage as a result of placenta accreta. I am not sure how or why I ended up with placenta accreta, I've had no previous c-sections, but this whole pregnancy there have been issues with the placenta. 

I didn't see baby Z or J&J until the next day. They had no idea what was happening to me until my hubby was able to fill them in. When they came in my room we all just cried together. I truly thought I was going to die, I was so scared. 

I lost a lot of blood. One of the nurses said almost my entire blood volume. I got 4 bags of blood total and tons and tons of fluid. I have been been so incredibly swollen. I can't even describe how I feel, run over by a truck, maybe. I'm not sure. I finally got a shower in today and then had to nap afterward. I'm feeling better but I have a ways to go. I'm so not good at being taken care of either. 

So that is it for me. No more babies, although the doctor was able to save my uterus he said that it would be dangerous to have another baby. 

This surrogate is retired. 







Monday, May 18, 2015

39 Weeks

Well here I am at 39 weeks still pregnant. My first baby came at 38.6 and my second at 38.3. My last surrogate baby for these guys came at 39.3 so we're all ready and waiting. 

I took last Friday off to get prepared and tie up loose ends, I had a pedicure, got an oil change, made a Walmart trip, got groceries. Then I met up with the guys for lunch for a baby check appointment and ultrasounds. The appointment went I was 2-3 cms and thinning. Midwife didn't want to do the membrane sweep as she didn't think it would be helpful at that time anyway. Baby passed her BPP, placenta is doing fine so all is good there, now wait...

The last baby came after my water breaking and no contractions we had to induce with pitocin. 
I was really hoping and still am hoping to avoid pit this time so I've been doing all that I can to try to get my body ready.  So we've scheduled the induction for 5/28 (due date is 5/25) if she doesn't come on her own by then. 

I was hoping last night would be the night. I had a very busy weekend and when I finally laid down for the night I had contractions 5-7 mins apart for at least an hour until I fell asleep and they stopped so guess they weren't the real thing. 

IF's are very excited but so much more relaxed this time than last time so this is good, hopefully that'll allow me to just relax and let things happen. 

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Home stretch

Oops, my last post was a month ago. It has been somewhat uneventful, though things are getting a bit better since my last post, or at least the weather has broken and this week had been wonderful.
I had my 36 week check last week and the fundal height measurement was at 30. This is not unusual for me to measure so far behind, I did with all of my other pregnancies, yet my midwife still wanted to be sure everything is going ok, especially with the placenta issues, being bulky and cystic. Still not entirely sure what that all means.

So the ultrasound went fine, baby is in the 45% for growth at 6lbs or so give or take. They did notice that the placenta had multiple infarcts. Googling that was scary, talking to my midwife was not. The placenta does start to degrade at a certain point in pregnancy, but for some reason being an IVF with donor egg gets people all excited so now I'm having weekly ultrasounds to check growth and the placenta. Next ultrasound is tomorrow.

So far nothing really going on as far as labor signs. Baby still feels pretty high, having braxton hicks but I have been since forever and that is about it. I'm so hoping not to go overdue or need pitocin. With the last little guy I carried him the longest at 39w4d and he needed to be evicted with pitocin due to water breaking. Hopefully this little girl is anxious to meet her dads and will be here sooner.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

33 Weeks, 48 days to go

I really do not think these 48 days could come fast enough. This last part always drags on but I'm itching to have my body back. This has been my least favorite pregnancy, between the hemorrhoids, valvular varicose veins and the sheer exhaustion, and the inability to breathe normally, yes pregnancy at its finest. In addition to woes of pregnancy, it has been a long hard winter, its now April and we had another round of light snow this morning. I want a cold beer and the warm sun on my face.

I guess as a result I am having a very hard time letting go of my season depression issues I normally get, maybe it's more with the added pregnancy hormones. I'm irritable and I don't want to interact with anyone.

I can't say I'm looking forward to the birth either. I'm supposed to be this super birthing woman, who practices hypnobirthing and is everything zen when it comes to labor and delivery, but this time I'm dreading it and can't get past the last delivery, no matter how many times I listen to the fear release.

We had the follow up growth ultrasound on Friday and everything appears to be going well. Baby was measuring in the 50th percentile, so whatever issues there are with the placenta seem to be non-existent or at least not affecting her, which is good news. We haven't gotten the official report but hopefully that takes away some of the nervousness around her birth.

Next week I have an appointment with my neurologist to discuss the plan for birth. Initially we had talked about getting a round of IV steroids in the hospital after the birth to hopefully ward off a relapse so my midwife felt like I should meet with him and get that plan firmed up.

So I need a distraction, something to take my mind off the pregnancy and these next 48 days, haven't found that yet.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

28 Weeks, Third Trimester!

Well the long awaited third trimester is here. It is good news, because it means we're almost done. J&J will get to meet their baby girl and their lithe family will be complete. Usually the third trimester goes by a little slower as I start to get more uncomfortable.

Today J&J came to my prenatal check up with our midwife. It was great to see them and we had a good visit. I am now going to be going in every two weeks, I can't believe its time for that already. Baby girl was in the breech position today. It shouldn't be a problem, she still has plenty of time to flip and hopefully she will. This is a new experience for me, I don't remember any of the babies I've carried every being head up, they may have been at some point and I was just unaware of it.

We talked with the midwife more about the placenta issues. There is some chance of placental abruption with the marginal cord insertion issue we have. So what this means for us right now, is not much. We have another growth check in a month and I guess we'll see how the placenta is doing at that point. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't make me nervous, I'm not really sure what all of this means. My midwife did tell me that she does not want me to labor at home at all and that I'll need continuous monitoring while in labor. Also she does not want to give me pitocin at all (not that I wanted it) so hopefully labor occurs on its own with this baby. I am disappointed as this is not an ideal scenario for hypnobirthing, but I'll make the best of it. 


Friday, February 6, 2015

25 Weeks

Well actually 24 weeks 4 days, but close enough. Today I had an appointment with my midwife, well sorta. I got there this morning and she had gone home sick. Luckily I was able to see one of the OB's who was on call and had a laboring patient upstairs.

Baby girl is doing fine. Her heart rate was in the 140's which is around what it has been. My weight is ok, I've actually lost weight since my last visit which was unintentional. I've had this stomach bug that has been kicking my butt. The doctor didn't seem overly concerned, just reminded me to keep hydrated which I feel I do a pretty good job with.

I've developed varicose veins with this pregnancy, which has been highly unpleasant, ugly and uncomfortable. So I'm going to try support hose on one leg. I had to go pick that up at a medical supply shop and of course the doctor didn't complete the prescription with diagnosis and length of the stocking so I couldn't get it today. I got measured and the little old french lady, who I loved, kept telling me how tiny I was and how she couldn't imagine why I had varicose veins. I don't know, maybe fourth pregnancy has something to do with it, or the way I am carrying this one.

So right about now is the time that we would normally do the glucose screening, where I would drink a beverage high in sugar and check to see how my body processes it in an hour to determine whether or not I am at risk for gestational diabetes. So with the past 3 pregnancies, I've failed the one hour and gone on to pass the 3 hours. Each time I get very sick and I just felt like I didn't want to do that again. The doctor has agreed to let me do finger stick blood sugar checks four times a day which I am soooo happy about, yes I am happy about sticking myself with  more needles, I would take needles over that sugar crash any day. So I am going to do that for a couple of weeks and review it with my midwife at my next visit. Hoping all is well and nothing to worry about there.

We do have another growth scan scheduled at 32 weeks. The ultrasound revealed that I have a marginal cord insertion (the cord is off to the side of the placenta and not in the middle where they like it) and my placenta is cystic looking with areas of lakes. Doctors and midwives are not all that concerned right now, but it can cause growth restriction for baby so we'll check on her again soon.


Monday, January 12, 2015

Twenty Weeks

Well twenty weeks have come and gone as I am a bit late with this blog post, I am now 21 weeks as of today. We are half way there, just 133 days until our expected due date. Yes just... though 133 days sounds like sooooo long, I hope it passes as quickly as possible.  I am still feeling pretty good.



On Friday J&J came to an appointment with a midwife. Our usual midwife was not available so we saw someone else who is just as great. We had seen her before at the delivery of baby M and she was super excited to see us. All of the midwives and the labor and delivery nurses just love us for some reason and are so excited to have us back.

All went fine with our appointment, nothing new or surprising there. The baby's heartbeat was good. I am up a total of 12 pounds, all else is fine. Sometimes I wish I could just check my urine, BP and baby's heart beat myself at home, as it seems a little silly for someone making so much money to have to do these things.

After our appointment we went for lunch at this little sandwich shop. It was nice to spend time with them. Our ultrasound appointment was at 2pm and it was so cute to see them both so jittery with nervous excitement. It brought me back to my own kids, the ultrasound appointment was like Christmas morning. For me now, carrying this baby it was really just another task. I don't mean that in a negative way, but it really has no bearing on me whatsoever.

So 2pm came and we were finally called into the ultrasound room. The guys were still jittery and excited. We all made nervous conversation with the tech. She was scanning the baby and as soon as she got to the baby's bottom I could see it. I said, ooh I can see it, can I tell them? She said yes and I said you're having a girl! They were both thrilled and their eyes watered. They both said they didn't care what gender this baby was, that it would be nice to have a girl so they have one of each but they would be just as happy with a boy. I was so happy to see them so happy. I have always felt that I am truly luck to have a son and a daughter and now I am happy that they will have the same.




Tuesday, December 16, 2014

17 Weeks

Yesterday I met with one of the baby daddies and we had an appointment to check on bean. All went well. Pregnancy visits are super uneventful at this stage, especially being my 4th pregnancy and baby daddy's second. He had no questions, I had no questions. The baby's heart beat was in the 150's. Baby daddy two couldn't make it due to child care so number one recorded the heat beat for him. It is such an beautiful sound.

I am happy to report that I am feeling much better these days. I still have occasional bouts of nausea but nothing too bad. I think I have finally hit the honeymoon stage of pregnancy, so I will enjoy things for a little while here. This pregnancy is going by super fast which is exciting. I know it'll slow down in the last two months.

So far I am up a total of eight pounds, not too bad really given I had consumed more carbs and processed foods in my first trimester than I had in the past year. At one point all I could stomach was bagels, so I was having them for breakfast and lunch. I am going to start working on getting back to more of a paleo diet as I was before.

That is all for now. Our next appointment is January 9th and we will have the 20 week ultrasound. Hopefully bean cooperates and lets us know if he or she, is a he or she.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

12 Weeks

Yesterday I hit the 12 week mark. Yay! This is the last week of the first trimester and I have to admit it has gone by relatively quickly, I can only hope that the rest continues this way. I am still getting nausea in the evenings, so hopefully that will start to go away. I think I need to adjust my meal portions to smaller portions because I feel like the nausea is because I'm feeling full, yet I'm feeling hungry at the same time.

So yesterday J&J came to our NT scan. Everything looked good on the ultrasound, that we are aware of. Baby measured 11w6d, so only 1 day off from the expected of 12 weeks. It was great to see the guys because I could see their excitement, which is something I haven't really felt yet. With Baby M they were not able to make this visit so they were pretty amazed that the baby is fully formed now. He or she was moving all about, flipping and kicking and it was great to see the guys so happy.

Unfortunately I still have my SCH, which measured at 1 cm at the largest part. Not sure if that has gone down or not with the previous measurements. I haven't bled in a month so I had assumed it was gone. The technician also said that I have a fibroid, which apparently is pretty common and benign. So we'll see what happens there. We had blood work for the sequential screen and hopefully all is well with baby. I see an OB/GYN next week, not my normal midwife, hopefully he will have good news for us.


Monday, November 3, 2014

Eleven Weeks

Almost out of the first trimester!

I must admit, after my last post I am feeling slightly better. Still not much of a resolution about the appointments and such but, feeling slightly better. I am feeling better physically too. The nausea is getting less and less, I actually will go a day or two without any at all, then it's back, but at least it goes away again. I keep feeling like I am feeling some pressure, like baby moving pressure, but I am not sure, it could still be gas, I think it is still a little early for movement.

I did go shopping this weekend because none of my pants button any longer and I hate hate hate the belly band. It moves and shifts and my pants fall down. So I got some maternity pants, leggings and some sweaters. Oh my god do I love the fleece lined leggings. I'm trying to decide if it is work appropriate.

My 11 week belly, and my awesome leggings.


Next Monday is the NT scan. I am looking forward to it but also really nervous about it. I expect all to go well but there is always that what if question. What if there is something wrong, what if the guys choose to terminate. It is just the unknown. I am sure all will be fine we have a healthy baby growing.

Monday, October 27, 2014

10 Weeks

So today I am 10 weeks pregnant with baby #2 for J&J.

Things are different this time around. We'll start with physically for me. I feel huge already, I've outgrown all of my normal sized pants and now I'm wearing larger sizes that I wore shortly after my previous pregnancies, though maternity pants would probably be more comfortable at this point. I am only up 3 pounds but still it feels like a lot. I am sure this is partly due to my drastic change in diet. I was eating Paelo before, mostly and now I'm eating all kinds of processed junk because it is really the only thing that keeps me from want to yak. On that note the nausea is getting slightly better, it comes and goes in waves. I still think this baby is a girl related to all the nausea, then again this baby has J #2 for a dad and not J #1, so there are genetic differences. I am so crazy emotional. I just cry for no reason, not little tears either, I am all out sobbing like someone died. I had those crazy mood swings with my daughter, not so much with my son or baby M, so there is more girl speculation there.

Things are different too with how things are going this time, and it could be me being overly emotional. I know the guys are happy to be having another baby, but at the same time they are feeling overwhelmed with the idea that they'll have a toddler and a newborn. Those feelings I understand, I've been there myself, when I got pregnant with my son a little sooner than I had planned. It's not like this pregnancy isn't planned though.

This brings me to my next though, this time this feels very much like a task we're all trying to accomplish, rather than the fact that we are creating a human. There's been some trouble with scheduling of appointments. For the most part only one of them is going to come to some of the appointments this time, because of having a child at home. They're both going to try to come for the important appointments such as the ultrasounds. They want me to schedule my appointments around what works for them, even letting me know that they'll of course reimburse me for my missed time for work. Yet, part of me (perhaps the crying, hormonal part) feels like that says to me they think my time is not important and I should just accommodate their needs without consideration of mine.

I am just thinking that maybe our relationship wont be as close this time as it has been. We wont get to spend much time together, everything feels very businesslike this time. It is still early and I am hoping I can get excited about this, but right now I am not, which saddens me.

There it is, completely unfiltered, my feelings thus far about this surrogate pregnancy.

Monday, October 20, 2014

9 Weeks

So today I had my first appointment with my midwife, it was just me as J&J could not make it this time. It was rather uneventful, as you would expect for a 4th pregnancy. I'm up 3 pounds since just before the transfer. BP was good, urine was good. My midwife had this cool new tool, it is like a doppler but has a screen so it's this little hand held ultrasound machine. It was difficult at first but she was able to find the baby and see the beating heart so that was good news.
I am now waiting on a referral to Maternal Fetal Medicine to do the first trimester screen and the NT scan, so hopefully all goes well there.

Because of my silly new Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis she had decided she wants me to see one of the OB's for some of my prenatal visits, just in case we need him at some point. I am not sure what she thinks we will need him for as MS isn't a complication to pregnancy itself, but it is fine. In talking with my neurologist in the past many women experience a complete relapse free period during pregnancy especially during the second and third trimester, but then some women do not. At this point my symptoms are still there in their come and go fashion that they have been. I have been eating pretty crappy lately too (more processed foods, less vegetables) so I am wondering if the inflammation type foods are affecting my MS symptoms. Once I get over the nausea I'll try to get back on track with reducing processed foods and dairy.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Ultrasound

Yesterday hubby and I made the trip to the fertility clinic for our first ultrasound. We live in a small town and don't ordinarily run into very heavy traffic so it was a little frustrating at the time it took us to get there. We expected it though, because we had been though that before, but really I don't know how you city dwellers do it, it took us 45 minutes to go 13 miles.

Anyhow, the good news to report is that the baby is doing well. He or she is growing right on pace with dates expected, at 7 weeks, 2 days yesterday, with a heart beat of 138 beats per minute. That was good news and we are all happy that the baby is doing well.



I do have a Subchorionic Hematoma (which you cannot see in this particular picture) as I suspected. They did say that it appears to be healing so that is good news; however, I am to not do any exercise, or lift anything heavier than a grocery bag until it goes away. I have a re-check ultrasound in 3-4 weeks. I have to say that I am very concerned about the lack of physical activity. I know it is likely temporary but I am having a hard time with it. I am a very active person, I exercise not just to be fit but for my mental well-being, my gym time is what makes me feel good, it is my me time and I am afraid that I will become depressed.

I have an appointment scheduled with my Women's Health provider next week. I normally see a wonderful midwife that I have been with for a while, but this practice has had some changes and I am not happy with it so far. I tried to explain to them that I have been with a fertility clinic and I have had all of my blood work, ect. completed but they insisted that an intake appointment with an RN is required before I can have any appointments to see my midwife. This is going to be a giant waste of my time. They are going to go though my history (all of which they have in their system) order lab work (all of which I've already had done) and provide education (this is my fourth pregnancy, I think I know what I'm doing!). Today I got a call from them saying that my first trimester has been scheduled. Ugh. I had to call them back and say, once again, if anyone would listen to me, I had the ultrasound. They should be getting the report today from the clinic. I guess my mistake was trying to talk to them before they got the discharge information from the clinic. I do feel rushed though because the IF's want to do the first trimester screen which needs to happen between weeks 10-13. Scheduling can be difficult, especially trying to coordinate with my IF's schedules so I was hoping to get it done early.

So I'll go to my appointment next week to basically repeat the appointment I had yesterday.